1.    Please take great care of the cat. They are prone to nervousness and may become psychologically unbalanced if you do not proceed with gentleness and understanding.  

2.    Gently cradle the cat in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Using the left hand with the right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, apply firm but gentle pressure whilst holding pill in the right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill and allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

3.    Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process with patience. Retrieve cat from bedroom and dispose of soggy pill. 

4.    Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws lightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push fresh pill to back of mouth. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

5.    Retrieve cat from top of wardrobe and pill from goldfish bowl. 

6.    Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees. Hold front and rear paws and ignore all growls. Get spouse or friendly neighbour to hold cat's head firmly with one hand, and then open cat's mouth. Insert pill, close mouth and rub cat's throat vigorously.   

7.    Retrieve cat from curtain rail, making a note to repair or replace curtains as appropriate to level of damage. Sweep up shattered figurines/ornaments and vases and unwrap fresh pill.

8.    Wrap cat in large towel or similar restraining device and get spouse or friendly neighbour to lie on cat so that its head is just visible below armpit. Put fresh pill in end of drinking straw, force open cat's mouth, insert straw and blow hard down straw.

9.    Check label to ensure that pills are not harmful to humans and then consume 250ml of liquid refreshment to remove taste of pill. Apply Germolene or some other proprietory antiseptic cream to spouse's or friendly neighbour's forearm wounds and cover with Elastoplast or Band Aid. Bandages may be applied in extreme cases. Quickly remove blood stains from carpet with soap and water or 1001 foam carpet cleaner.

10.   Obtaining permission from friendly neighbour, retrieve cat from next door's garden shed. Get another pill. Take more liquid refreshment. Place cat in a suitably re-inforced cupboard and close door onto neck to immobilise cat and leave its head protruding through the gap. Flick pill down cat's throat using a rubber band.

11.   Fetch screwdriver from garage and re-hinge cupboard door. Open bottle of Scotch. Drink sufficient quantity to release 'courage hormones'. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records to determine date of last tetanus injection.

12.   Call fire brigade and request assistance to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to driver who took avoiding action when cat suddenly appeared on his bonnet.

13.   Call fire brigade and request assistance to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to driver who took avoiding action when cat suddenly appeared on his bonnet.

14.   Consume remainder of Scotch. Contact A&E of local hospital and arrange for imminent arrival. Request spouse or friendly neighbour to convey you to your appointment. Sitting quietly, but retaining a sense of humour, allow doctor to insert stitches into fingers and forearm, remove pill fragments from right eye and disengage broken claw from inside of left nostril.

15.   Return home with a sense of purpose. Call furniture outlet and order new table. arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell. Destroy cat basket.

16.   Do not allow experience to generate a hatred of pets. Call pet shop and assess stock availability of hamsters.