You will need: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, a mattress and a bottle of whisky.

Put the mattress on the floor. Sample the whisky to check its quality.Take a large bowl. Check the whisky once again and, to ensure it is of the highest quality, fill one level cup and drink. Repeat for a second time.

Turn on the electric meateriser, beat one soft of cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seaspoon of the trown sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Mix off the switcher. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of fried druit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the main beaterers, lisdodge with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity, Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon well with sugar or something whatever you can find.

Fill the cake tin with whisky. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, sample the contentsh of the cake tin and gently fall onto the mattress.